My Holland

Sometimes the laughter in mothering is the recognition of the ironies and absurdities. Sometime, though, it's just pure, unthinking delight. ~Barbara Shapiro

Being a parent is one of the hardest, yet most rewarding jobs you can ever aspire to have. I love being a mom, but lately I have been feeling like such a failure. When you have a child with special needs, sometimes you feel like what you do is never going to be enough; and then you worry about the toll that it will take on your other children, how they will cope, how you will cope. It’s a vicious cycle of worry. Recently, I have been thinking a great deal about our challenges on the autism journey and how far Tyler has come. I have also thought of how far I have come in this journey, from denial to acceptance. Remembering where we have come from made me forget about my thoughts of failure; it made me feel strong and fierce, like a conqueror of worlds. The past three years have taught me a lot about life and the most important thing is to never give up hope!

When Tyler was diagnosed with autism, I saw all of my hopes and dreams shattered for this “perfect” little life I had imagined. Someone sent me a beautiful poem entitled, “Welcome to Holland,” which was timely and put everything into perspective for me. I am including a link for the poem and I highly encourage you to read it. I had a lot of sadness, anger, resentment; you name it, I felt it. For a while, I mourned the loss of having a “normal child” and not being able to go to “Italy.” I was an emotional trainwreck, so I found the strength and lifted myself out of the darkest depths of despair. But you know what,“Holland,” is pretty damn awesome! It may take us a while to hit our milestones, but when we do, it’s amazing and magical; it makes the struggle to get there incredibly worthwhile. Potty training may be giving me a few extra gray hairs, but Tyler is slowly and surely getting there. He took the initiative and pooped on the potty last night; we celebrated and lived up that moment and made him feel like a million bucks.

Verbally, Tyler has been having an explosion of language. He has also become quite independent and opinionated. An example of his verbal explosion would be a recent trip to a restaurant. We were all ordering our dinner and he says this on cue, “I would like a Grilled Cheese please.” This blew me away! He is especially passionate and opinionated about music. For a while there, he had me burnt out on Usher, who he calls “Usha.” Luke is having the same musical obsessions, which means that if I want to have a peaceful trip anywhere, I will have to give in and listen to their favorites, namely Usher. Recently, I downloaded some new music from I-tunes, some alternative. I made a mix CD with Broken Social Scene, Arcade Fire, Death Cab for Cutie, Phoenix, Metric, Mumford & Sons and Iron & Wine. Surprisingly, the boys love it, especially Metric. Our new favorite song is “Gold Gun Girls” which we now listen to repeatedly. Thank goodness, I was about to sacrifice our Usher CD to the gods.

I love watching Tyler and Luke’s relationship grow, and their brotherly bond deepen. They are so good for each other. I have read that siblings of children with special needs are very compassionate people and we definitely need more of those types in our society today. They look out for each other, laugh with (and at) each other, share their fascinations and, of course, rebel against me. My heart leaps for joy when they hug or tell each other “I love you.” It is in these moments where I feel incredibly blessed and nothing else seems to matter.

A while back, I would get angered when people would tell me, "God chose you for a reason to be Tyler’s mom." I would think to myself, “why didn’t he just give me some super powers or something?” Then I realized that I already have them; I’m an autism mama and he has given me the greatest gift of all, a son to love.

Here's the link for Welcome to Holland:
http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html