Hopeful

Water Lily, Getty Villa, Fall 2010


Education is the most powerful weapon which you can use to change the world. ~Nelson Mandela

Change is in the air, I can feel it! I made the decision last fall to return to the world of teaching this year, a world which I love, where I feel that I can make a huge difference. My resume is out there, waiting for someone to look at it and give me the chance to inspire, motivate and challenge young minds.

It was hard to come to this decision, and it will take a great deal of juggling on my part. I have two young children; one with special needs. I am hopeful -- I know that things always have a way of working out for the best.

Luke loves school, so much to the point that he asks to go to school every day, even though he is in a part-time preschool program. Because of this, I know that he is ready to go somewhere full-time. Luke’s language development has sky-rocketed this year. With Tyler, we were not able to have conversations at this age. Luke is very social and opinionated and his voice can be heard in a loud way, whether we want to hear it or not.

Tyler is also a lover of school and is really enjoying being in his Pre-K inclusion program. He is learning so much and is being challenged on a daily basis. I have noticed dramatic changes in him this year, especially with his ability to focus, have conversations and read. These are AMAZING feats and movements in the right direction. I know he will always struggle socially, but I am so excited that he is where he should be (and then some) intellectually. This will help him throughout his school career.

Other than seeing the changes and positive growth in the boys, I have really enjoyed volunteering at Tyler’s school in the library. Maybe this was my inspiration. I have loved working with the students and Mrs. Wallace, although this age group has taken me out of my comfort zone. High school is where I am the most comfortable and with freshman. That may make me seem like a crazy person to some, but it is my forte. I love that age, the awkwardness, the energy, it just fascinates me!

The whole application process was tedious and frustrating at times. Tracking down references, updating my resume, writing letters of interest, filling out online applications and writing short essays was very time consuming and stressful. Things are so different now than they were 12 years ago when I started in my profession. All of these things helped me to be reflective, to think about the teacher I was and the one I aspire to be. With all of the budget shortfalls in local districts, I feel that this may be a greater challenge this year, but I will not let it get me down, I will remain hopeful. I will NOT not settle for second best. If this does not work out, then it was not meant to be. Plan B will then be put into action – Graduate school.

Regardless of what change may come, I am hopeful and content that it will be exactly what I need. Even though I may be in the classroom myself, whether as a teacher or a student, I will never stop advocating for children with special needs, especially my very own little hero.

Lost in the Woods

As a stay-at-home mom, the thing I crave the most is some quiet and alone time, especially with two boisterous, active little boys. This helps me recharge my battery and take on the world. In my downtime, I enjoy reading, writing, scrapbooking and making jewelry. I love to create, it makes me happy! I was able to have a mini-getaway this weekend, some much needed down time, lost in the pines outside of Bastrop at the Deepwoods Retreat Center. Being lost in the woods was exactly what I needed.

For me, one of the hardest things about being a stay-at-home mom is the deprivation of intelligent, adult conversations, both serious and dirty. Don’t get me wrong, I love having conversations with my cuties, but I am a deep thinker and long to talk about things I am interested in, such as literature, politics, geography and in general, life. My friend Kristine had three spots available and I decided that a retreat was exactly what I needed.

In scrapbooking, not only do I get that down-time (me-time) that I cannot live without, but an added bonus is that I get the camaraderie of my friends. I was so excited to room with my friends Kesa and Judy, who I rarely see, unless there is some scrapbooking, Mary Kay or Thirty-One involved. Another added bonus is that I always meet someone new who inspires me with their creativity, thanks Brenna for being that person. So not only did I get a lot of scrapbooking done, but lots of catching up and creative inspiration. The thing I most enjoy about scrapbooking is that I am preserving memories, which will last a lifetime in my albums. The boys love to look back at their albums and talk about what they did. Long after I am gone, my albums will survive and tell the stories of our sweet life.

Preserving memories, like writing, is very therapeutic. I also love that I get to relive those precious memories of the boys, the first days of school, Luke’s first trip to the beach, the Pumpkin Patch, Halloween and many, many more. This makes scrapbooking even more meaningful to me. As I watch the rain fall outside, I feel blessed to have this experience and opportunity -- to be able to create, to enjoy life and be surrounded by people I love, all the time. Life is good!

New Beginnings

A new year brings with it new beginnings. I am hopeful that this will be a wonderful year, full of good times for my family and friends. So far, 2011 has been exactly what I needed, especially a return to normalcy after the chaotic holidays. Tyler and Luke had a terrific week back at school last week. Tyler will be finishing up his year in Pre-K and preparing for the transition into Kindergarten, a new world. Luke continues to love school and begs to go every day, even though he only attends part-time. I am so impressed with all that he is learning and the little conversations that we have. Because of his demands to go to school every day, I feel that my decision to go back to work is the right one. Here are some things that I am looking forward to this coming year. These are in no particular order.

1. San Diego

We have decided to take a family vacation to California this summer. I am really looking forward to taking the boys to the zoo, the beach and exploring all that San Diego has to offer. This will be quite the adventure, since the boys have never been on a plane before. Also, I will get the opportunity to see a friend I haven’t seen in over a decade, so it will be wonderful!

2. Fixing up the house

We are hoping to get our house on the market in the next year or so. Last fall, I started painting the interior of our house downstairs to a beautiful neutral shade – desert caravan. We are hoping to move westward into a bigger house. As the boys grow, I am beginning to realize that they will need lots more space, including a bigger backyard to run wild in. When we bought our house 10 years ago, we did not have children, so we need something to grow with us. When I finish painting, I will move my work to the backyard and landscape. Our backyard is beautiful and has been neglected. I am looking forward to putting in some beds with shrubs and flowers, building walkways, etc. Our deck was the last outdoor improvement that was made and that was 7 years ago! I am excited about the prospect of a new house, a new neighborhood with amenities such as a park, trails and a pool.

3. Returning to work/and or school

This may be one of the things I am most excited about, my return to the workforce after 4 ½ years staying home. I have loved being with the boys for this precious time and I feel so blessed to have been able to do that. These were the impressionable years. I am hopeful that there is a job out there waiting for me. I believe that if something is meant to be, then it will work out. If not, I will head back to school. There is one thing that my autism journey with Tyler has taught me -- that I want to help others like myself. Whether that is as a licensed therapist or as a special education teacher, I guess I will find out.

4. Fun times with the boys

I love it when the boys laugh uproariously, frolic around, tackle each other, tackle and chase me, get filthy dirty, play basketball, ride their scooters; in general, just have fun. I am looking forward to more of these days and the new explorations and fun to come. While I realize that we will still have our struggles, I will not let them get me down. I will conquer them and not let them conquer me. I found this quote today by H.G. Wells which is incredibly true:

“The crisis of today is the joke of tomorrow.”

The point of this life is to be happy, even in times which are trying. So I will often think of this quote and remind myself of that; I will laugh and see the humor during and after these times. Also, I need to remember that the hard times are when we are taught the special lessons of life and to use each as a learning experience and not a setback.

5. More good times with family and friends.

Another way in which I am blessed is with a wonderful family and an incredible network of friends. I am looking forward to my sisters trip this spring. I LOVE my sisters! Wherever we go, whether it is New Mexico or New York City, I know it will be a blast! I am also looking forward to the time I have with my Dad this year, for I know he is in the bonus years. When you lose a parent, it changes your life incredibly. My Mom passed away when I was nine, so I spent most of my life without a mother. When I think of how my Dad raised my sisters and I on his own after my Mom passed away, I have even greater love and respect for him. My cousins, aunts and uncles, I look forward to seeing you too! I am equally as fortunate to count some of my cousins as my best friends.

My friends help me create balance in my life and bring me so much laughter. Each one of you has a special place in my heart. I look forward to spending more time with all of you, cutting up, laughing, walking on the hike and bike trail, drinking coffee and other things, having intellectual and ridiculous conversations, etc. Those who REALLY know me, know that I love the ridiculous just as much as the serious. I especially enjoy laughing so hard that I cry. 2011 will be an amazing year for all of us; that I am sure of, so I say carpe diem!

2010 taught me a lot, but the greatest thing is that life is incredibly short and I need to make it count. I was reminded of that when several family members, a friend’s parent and one of my former colleagues passed away this past year. We don’t get second chances; we have just one life to live. So I will embrace it, try new things, grab it by the balls and love it. To new beginnings!

Fun and Challenging Times

I am so ready for some normalcy! The Christmas break was wrought with sickness, havoc and major meltdowns with the boys and toward the end, I needed a “vacation” from my vacation.

Yes, I know I am blessed – I have two sweet, loving and intelligent little boys who make my heart smile and leap for joy. But that does not mean that life is all roses ALL the time, it is not and never will be. We have moments of bliss which I want to bottle up, so I can pull them out when we have our train wrecks, meltdowns and oppositional defiant behaviors.

When you have a child with autism, even the easiest things can go to hell in a hurry. Take for example my attempt at doing something fun with the boys when Luke was over his croup and ear infection. I decided to take the boys to the Jumpy Gym, it was cold outside and they needed to bounce some energy out. For the most part, things were good, but that lasted a short while. Tyler became Mr. Adventurous and was doing somersaults down the huge slide. This was cause for concern, not only could he hurt himself, but another child as well, so I put my foot down. He stopped for a while, but then did it again and ended up head butting and hurting a little boy. So our fun was dead and gone.

I warned Tyler in advance, so I told him it was time to go, he resisted, but I was able to round-up both boys. All seemed good, then, not so good. Tyler broke away from my tight grip and ran away. At this point, my patience was almost non-existent, so I called upon Gandhi to send me some. I took Luke to the bench and told him to wait for me while I got Tyler. I ran back into the room, crawled up on the jumpy thing and carried Tyler out. He then began kicking the hell out of me. As I sat him down on the bench to put his shoes on, he continued to kick me. I fought back tears and stayed calm, even though I was about to EXPLODE.

That was when I noticed the man next to me, watching in horror. I get sick and fucking tired of being judged all the time by ignorant people, so I told him, “My kid has autism, what’s your problem! This is what I deal with EVERYDAY!” To which he replies, “Oh, sorry! We have a friend with one of those.” I wanted to blow fire in this man’s face, open a can of whoop ass; you name it, I thought it. That comment made my blood boil! People can be so insensitive. I fought back the desire to enlighten this man like he has never been before, but he was not worth my precious time. So we loaded up in the car and I just drove and drove and drove. I called my dear friend Maria, who calmed me as I cried and told her what went down. I felt so bad for Luke, this is his world too. Even when he is doing what he should, we still have to leave when he is having fun. He was a little trooper and sat there on that bench, waiting for us, shoes on and all. My little hero!

Moments of pure bliss are when Tyler and Luke crawl into bed with me, snuggle with and kiss me, telling me “I love you mommy!” Moments like this make ALL the meltdowns and craziness worth it. Other moments are when we are at the park, and the boys are chasing each other around, playing appropriately with enormous smiles on their faces. Other times are when they talk about going to “toot’s house” and farting, making me laugh uncontrollably. I LOVE little boy potty humor! These are times when I forget about my trials and that I have a little boy with autism. I just relax, chill and breathe it all in – not the gas though. These are the moments I waited for my entire life and I know there are many more to come.

*A special thank you to all of my friends (you know who you are) who bring me normalcy in my crazy times. You make me laugh and lift me up, when all I want to do is cry. You are my rocks! Thank you for continuing to be there for me, I love each and every one of you. Thank you for loving and caring about me. As an old Native American proverb says, “My heart laughs with joy because I am in your presence.” That sums up exactly how I feel about each of you.