The Train Wreck of Rage

I am really sad to share this blog post, but this is the fugly side of autism. People need to know the good, the bad and the ugly to have a sense of understanding and compassion.

It started when Geoff and I got back from our Oregon trip, the meltdowns, the anger and rage and I just want it to go away! Tyler has always been a happy little boy. Lately, I have noticed that changes in his routine throw him into such a tizzy he can’t seem to cope and will have a wild, raging meltdown. Even anxiety medication doesn’t seem to help. And of course, my guilt consumes me for once being a little selfish and getting away.

Meltdowns are mostly saved up for me, since I am the lucky one and in the presence of our home, but recently he had one at a friend’s house and I was so embarrassed. Thankfully I have two amazing friends in Ryan and Vanessa – they are so understanding and would move mountains to help me. I know that Tyler can’t control it, he gets overstimulated or overly anxious, he can't properly express himself and then just shuts down all sense of rationality and reason. He used to just scream, cry and hit things or me, but now he has started to take things out on Luke and I will not tolerate that. I feel so helpless!

Yesterday, he got a hold of my keys. I had plans for the evening and he lost my keys which really frustrated and annoyed me.

Me: “Tyler, where are my keys?”

Tyler: “I hid them!”
I found that to be odd, since Tyler has the most amazing memory of anyone I know, he always seems to remember and find things.

Me: “Go and find them NOW, mommy needs to drive the car.”

Tyler: “I don’t know where the keys are!”

Me: “Please go and find mommy’s keys now!”

This is when the screaming rage of an hour long train wreck tantrum started and ruined my otherwise lovely day. There is no way to calm my child when he gets that worked up. It starts as crying, then loud screaming, then hitting or throwing anything in sight. Luke just happened to be nearby, was trying to comfort Tyler and he was kicked and beaten. My heart broke in a million pieces. First and foremost as a parent, you must provide a safe, happy and loving home for your children. I felt like a failure! So while I comforted Luke, Tyler’s rage continued in cool down. Wild and animal-like, he destroyed our hall tree. I can’t even remember how I calmed him, everything seems like a blur. And in his wild rage, I cried and couldn’t stop; the tears flowed down my face like a flooded river. There is only so much stress, grief and sadness that one person can bear. Eventually, it ended and he told us he was sorry. He also gave me a big kiss and snuggled with me. I then began to wonder what the future would hold, especially when he is a teenager and much bigger than me. But I just need to think positively and hope and pray that things will get better, they sure as hell can’t get any worse. Seriously, I am about to have a jihad against keys. We are done with them! No more keys for our boy until this obsession is dead and gone!

Today, another meltdown and an even wilder response from Tyler – our house looked like it had been burglarized. Things were in disarray, not only our house, but our life. We called his neurologist and I am hopeful that an increase in his medicine dosage will help him.

Still, I am incredibly sad. I want my sweet little boy back, but most of all I want him to be happy, because if he is happy, then I am too. I have learned a lot from this craziness, and think next time, if there is another Mt. St. Helens like eruption, I will try music. Tyler LOVES Michael Jackson and Usher. Right now his favorite songs are “Billie Jean” and “DJ’s got us falling in love again.” I-pod, here we come.

Another reason I wanted to share this ugly side of autism is in hope that everyone will have more compassion for parents they see in public places who have children tantruming. More than likely, that child is not a brat, but has some sort of ASD. Instead of making judgments about the parenting skills of that person, have empathy and love. I think one of the most amazing things that Tyler’s autism has taught me is to have even more sensitivity and empathy toward others, especially those with differences. Even with all of the hardships, I think I am a better person. It has also made me strong and fierce -- I feel like I can conquer the world and do anything I set my mind to and that is a good thing.

On a more positive note, Tyler pooped on the potty today. It was all on his own accord, he just decided he needed to go. I was in shock and awe! Big rewards and happy Tyler = happy me.